the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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