I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
