I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
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You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
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I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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