i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
