Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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