I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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