Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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