man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
His nipple licking is glorious
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