1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
