Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
