my phone needs a breathalizer
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He passed out mid-signature
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
