Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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