like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
