Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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