Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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