What a fucking waste of an outfit
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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