Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
