So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
