Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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