You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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