you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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