Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
