I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The beer is more important than you right now.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
