my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
