saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
