wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just high enough for therapy.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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