soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
