He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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