I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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