Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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