somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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