My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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