nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
