they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
