Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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