So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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