Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
