Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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