So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
