Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
