Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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