i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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