she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
