Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
