fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Randomize
