My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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