just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
