Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
did you just send me my own nude
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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