I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
