I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
