Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
