Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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