I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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