As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
So squirting runs in the family.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My ass is underappreciated
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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