mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
