I think i sorta joined a cult last night
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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