saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
