you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
