I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
