if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
