my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize