and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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