your parents love me but you hate me
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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